Then You Looked At Me
by Snake of Blackness
Summary: Harry's a living dead without Draco. He wants to be enflamed again just once feel his stomach flutter again. He wants to feel again. One-shot DMHP It´s sad so be warned!


Title: Then you looked at me  
  
*  
  
It was a beautiful night. A million stars were shining brightly. It was cold, freezing a couple of degrees. The air smelled like snow. If you inhaled, your nose started to tickle.   
  
Harry was sitting on the edge of the window in the Astronomy tower, his body inside, his legs outside. He couldn't move his fingers, they were frozen. As were his legs, feet arms, torso and heart, although the latter wasn't due to the cold. The room had gone cold and the fire had died hours ago. Harry didn't know what time it was, but he suspected it to be around four in the morning.   
  
Normally he would sit here with Draco, beside the fire. His frozen heart arched when he thought of those nights. Those nights had enflamed Harry's heart, whether they were making love, or just talking. He wanted to be enflamed again, just once feel his stomach flutter again. He wanted to feel again.   
  
But Draco was gone...   
  
He remembered the last words Draco spoke.   
  
"This world tears us apart; we can only be together in our hearts."   
  
But it wasn't enough for Harry. No.he needed Draco to be with him.   
  
In a few hours, at sunrise, Draco would become a Death Eater and Harry... he would be dead.   
  
He felt dead now and stared to the ground, metres below of him. That is were he was going to end, that was his new destiny. A destiny he had created for himself. A destiny he was welcoming with all his frozen heart.   
  
He didn't want to become old and lonely. He didn't want to live a life without love. Everybody was scared of being with him, because he was a target of the evil side. Though everybody expected him to kill Voldemort, he didn't want to, not anymore. The thought of standing eye to eye with Draco during a fight, both knowing they would have to kill the other was unbearable. He wanted to foresee that it didn't happen and this was the only way.   
  
He lost track of the many times he asked, begged even, Draco to stay with him and join the light side. Draco refused to, it was impossible. He wasn't made for the light side. Both fate and the world were against them. They were caught in their lives and couldn't escape except for dying.   
  
He could never be the person he used to be... wild and careless, for that person did not exist without Draco.   
  
The whole story started nearly a year ago at the end of his 6th year. He had become a bitter person, who'd seen many people die. He was afraid of loving, because every person he loved was taken away from him.   
  
He was as dead as he was now at that time. The only difference is that then there was someone who made him alive again, now there wasn't.   
  
Harry was as lost as someone can be in that time, and Draco decided to bring joy to his life. Harry had his love, he had it all. He was grateful for every day Draco had given him. For every time he had made him tremble with joy, like the heart of a captive bird.   
  
His eyes were dried out forever. He couldn't cry anymore as he looked back one more time. Looked back on the times he had with Draco. One more time, before it was over.  
  
He was sitting here, just like this. Only then he still had tears to cry.   
  
**#**   
  
"The Harry Potter crying." an amused voice drawled behind him.   
  
Harry's head snapped up, right into the eyes of Draco Malfoy. The one person he didn't want to see, not now.  
  
He had had just about enough of his life. The expectations were just too high.   
  
"Sod off, Malfoy." Harry muttered, too sad to even raise his voice.   
  
"What would the school say if they heard that The Great Harry Potter is crying like a little boy." the amusement was still in his voice, but the drawl was gone as he smirked.   
  
Harry rolled his eyes. "Just do that, Malfoy. At least one of us is happy then. I don't care anymore." he wasn't in the mood for a discussion or fight with Malfoy.   
  
Draco's eyes widened, before he frowned. His hands, which were first firmly planted on his hips, dropped. "What?" Draco asked, utterly shocked.   
  
If Harry wasn't so tired, he would have laughed.   
  
"You heard what I said, I don't care. Besides I won't be there to witness it." Harry muttered, standing up. His feet were standing on the window ledge.  
  
"Potter," Draco's voice actually sounded scared. "what are you doing?"  
  
"I'm giving you the privilege of seeing me die." Harry said, determined to fall. He hung outside the window, only holding on with his fingertips.  
  
"Are you out of your mind?" Draco asked, stepping closer.  
  
"Nope," Harry whispered. "I've had enough. I can't take it anymore."  
  
"You're just joking right? Well for your information... it's not funny." Draco snapped behind him.   
  
"It's not a bloody joke, Malfoy. Now step back as I take my last flight, without a broom." Harry whispered again, while tears were rolling over his cheeks again.   
  
"Tell me one good bloody reason to let yourself drop." Draco asked, not stepping back as Harry had ordered.  
  
"Because I can't take it anymore. I already told you! Now shut up, I want to go in silence." Harry snapped, finally raising his voice.  
  
"I won't shut up until you tell me what you can't take anymore." Draco said stubbornly.  
  
"I can't take it anymore that whenever I love someone they die! First Godric, who I did not love, after that my godfather, Sirius, then the only people I saw as my family, Mr. Weasley, Mrs. Weasley, Ginny. All at the same time and it was because of me. Because I stayed there during the Christmas holidays. I lost too much, Malfoy. I even lost Ron and Hermione. I drove them away, afraid they might die too and now they won't even talk to me." Harry said, while tears were running over his cheeks non-stop. He was balancing on the edge of the window. His arms hung loosely beside his body as he looked down again.   
  
"Potter..." Draco's voice pleaded. "Please stop, don't do this in front of me."   
  
"Then go away." Harry said simply. "I'll wait a bit longer."   
  
He grabbed hold of the window again and saw in the corner of his eye that Draco was walking to the door. He let out a sigh and focused on the ground below him again.   
  
"I can't." Draco whispered behind him.   
  
Harry turned his head and stared at his enemy. "Then you'll just have to watch."   
  
"I can't let you kill yourself. It would be boring, too boring." Draco said, still standing next to the door.   
  
"Oh... well... shit happens." Harry snapped, not believing how Draco could be so selfish. He released the window again and leaned forward.   
  
"No!" Draco yelled, running towards him.   
  
Harry felt two strong arms around his waist, pulling him back into the room again.   
  
Draco lost his balance and Harry fell on top of him.   
  
"Why did you do that?" Harry snapped angrily, crawling towards the window again. "Do you have to mess everything up? Can't I even kill myself in peace? I thought you would be happy if I were dead."   
  
Draco sat up and their eyes met.   
  
To Harry's surprise tears were forming in Draco's eyes. The thought about jumping out of the window was forgotten.   
  
"I can't let you die." Draco whispered, looking at his hands.   
  
Harry saw a flush on Draco's cheeks, knowing it was out of embarrassment. "Why not?" he asked, confused.   
  
"Because... just because. I'm not that emotionless." Draco whispered again.   
  
"Fine. I'll just do it another time." Harry said, throwing his hands up in the air.   
  
"Potter, don't kill yourself. If you want to die, die as a hero. Not like this." Draco said, crawling towards him.   
  
For a second Harry was hypnotised by Draco's angelic face, but snapped out of it. "I'm already dead, Malfoy."  
  
"No, you're not." Draco whispered. "You're still so young. You've got lots of things still to give. You must take the chance to live. It's the biggest gift, you have yet to give."   
  
"Give life?" Harry asked confused.   
  
"Come one Potter. Don't you want to live and have children, see them grow up? Don't you want to love?" Draco asked, crawling even closer.  
  
"I just told you that everything I love, dies!" Harry exclaimed.  
  
"That's not true and you know it. You're just using it as some lame reason to take the shortest way out of here." Draco yelled back.   
  
"Oh shut up! Who would not die, when I loved him? Who? Because the last time I checked, Voldemort was killing everyone who meant something to me." Harry yelled, furiously.   
  
"I didn't die." Draco whispered, suddenly.  
  
Harry's eyes widened. "What?" his voice cracked.  
  
"I said-"   
  
"I heard what you said!" Harry snapped. "I don't get it."   
  
"Didn't that kiss we shared mean anything to you?" Draco asked in disbelieve, looking thoroughly shocked.   
  
"I told you. I'm already dead! Nothing means a thing to me." Harry said stubbornly, as he remembered the heated kiss they shared in Hogwarts two weeks before. His stomach flipped, when he thought about it.   
  
"Potter," Draco yelled, cupping his face. "Listen to me. You're not dead."  
  
Harry let out a sob. "I feel dead, it's the same." he muttered.   
  
Without realising it Draco sealed Harry's lips for the second time in his life. The kiss was soft at first, but turned into a passionate one when Draco started to lick Harry's lips and invaded his mouth. They're tongues fought for dominance as if their lives depended on it, and maybe it did.  
  
"Come with me," Draco whispered, when the kiss ended, "and I'll give you something to live for."  
  
Harry who was still sobbing silently nodded.   
  
**#**  
  
Why he went with Malfoy that night was still a mystery, but it was the best thing that happened to him. Draco turned out to be quite a loving person and making love to him was never boring.   
  
At first he didn't know what he was doing. That it felt good was the only thing he knew. Life came from Draco. All he needed was Draco's love to make him stronger. Every time Draco touched him, made him feel safe as if no one was able to hurt him.   
  
He remembered they're first time as if it happened an hour ago.   
  
**#**   
  
Draco traced Harry's lips with his tongue, while he guided Harry to the king size four-poster.   
  
Draco made Harry sit on the bed and sat next to him. Doing nothing but watching Draco's beautiful features: his angelic face, his blond hair, his beautiful stormy grey eyes and his red swollen lips.   
  
Their fingers played with each other, while they continued staring at each other. They did that often these days. Ever since Draco saved Harry, Harry would sneak up to Draco's room underneath his invisibility cloak. They would snog and fall asleep in each others arms, but tonight Harry had other plans than sleeping.   
  
"Make love to me." Harry whispered, pulling Draco towards him.   
  
"I was wondering when you'd say that." Draco grinned.   
  
Their lips met eagerly, when Harry pulled Draco on top of him.   
  
Harry felt arms slide under his head, fingers tangling in his hair. They urged his head forward, pushing him deeper into the kiss. He moaned slightly - nothing had felt this good. And it was about to get better.   
  
Breaking the kiss, Draco looked into Harry's eyes, dark green with lust. Harry was panting slightly, his eyes wide in anticipation, making him look quite adorably confused. Draco smiled softly, not wanting to scare him off, and reached down for the buttons holding Harry's shirt together. He unbuttoned them slowly, not breaking contact with Harry's eyes, making sure he had his approval. He did.   
  
When he got down to the last button, Draco slid his hands up Harry's chest and shoulders, pushing the shirt off in the same motion. When the shirt was gone, he leaned in for another kiss, this one even more heated and passionate. Hands roamed over Harry's tanned flesh, making him shiver and moan again. Harry snuck his hands inside Draco's shirt, feeling the flesh of his back. Frustrated with this limitation, he pulled away from the kiss, noticing the frown that flickered across Draco's face. He pulled gently at the shirt and Draco lifted his arms, allowing the shirt to fall off, and Draco's beautiful, pale, unmarred skin to be revealed. Harry licked his lips.   
  
Their lips met again in a tender kiss, which soon became more heated as their naked torso-flesh rubbed together, causing the two boys to become even harder then they already were. They could both feel the others arousal through their pants, and they simultaneously shiver in anticipation. Draco started a gentle rocking motion with his hips, causing a slight friction between them. The moaned into each others mouths.   
  
"Stop," Harry whispered hoarsely. Draco looked at him in absolute horror. Stop? Then he realised why he had to stop - Harry's hands were scrabbling at his pants, trying to rip them off. Draco smirked. Someone's horny, he thought to himself. He wriggled about, and soon he was only in his boxers, with Harry pulling his own pants off. He grinned at Harry when he finally got them off, and, with Harry sitting on his knees, he slid over the bed so his head was near Harry's knees.   
  
Draco smirked seductively up at him, and kissed his way slowly up Harry's thighs, leaving a trail of hot wet kisses. When he reached the lower edge of Harry's red and gold boxers, he lifted his head all the way past them, ignoring the part which needed the most attention. He started his trail again at the line of hair leading tantalizingly into his boxers. He paid a little attention to Harry's belly button, dipping his tongue in and making Harry laugh softly. Harry reached his hands into Draco's fine silvery hair, playing with it as Draco kissed his way up his stomach.   
  
When Draco reached Harry's nipples, his hands came into the scene. Kissing one nipple and playing with the other, Draco brought Harry to over-full arousal, making the boy groan at the same time. Switching nipples, Draco slid his body further up Harry's body, causing the slightest, most frustratingly elusive bit of friction.   
  
"Draco," Harry whispered. Draco stopped his teasing to look up into Harry's pleading eyes. "I need you. now," Harry said with longing in his voice. Draco nodded silently and got up, padding over to a chest of draws and obtaining a tube of lubricant. Harry's eyes widened in . Draco wasn't sure, but he didn't look scared - just a little nervous. Well, who wouldn't be? Draco was sure it was Harry's first time.   
  
He walked back over to the four-poster. Standing right in front of Harry, He stripped himself of his last item of clothing - his boxers. He stood there, one hip cocked slightly as though asking for Harry's opinion. Harry swallowed hard and glanced up at the blonde angel in front of him. He smiled nervously and tugged his own boxers of. Smiling now, Draco went a sat down on Harry's legs, his own legs on either side of Harry's hips. He leaned his face so it was near Harry's ear and whispered "lovely," and was rewarded with a grin of relief from Harry.   
  
Draco pulled his face back, looking deeply into Harry's eyes before kissing him again. When they pulled apart, Harry turned over, sitting up on his hands and knees, giving Draco a full view of his messy hair, strongly muscled back, smooth ass and perfectly sculpted legs. Draco opened the tube and squeezed some of the ointment over his fingers. Tracing his fingers over Harry's virgin opening, Draco asked him if he was sure.   
  
"Yes," Harry murmured, too busy with the feelings he was receiving to worry. Draco smiled, delighted, and gently pushed a finger into Harry's tight, warm opening. Harry gasped and Draco paused, worried.   
  
"You ok?" he asked concerned.   
  
"Fine," Harry almost moaned. Draco kissed the back of his neck and inserted another finger. A strange humming sound came from Harry's mouth, and Draco laughed gently, still kissing his neck. Pushing his fingers further into Harry, he wriggled them around until Harry moaned and gasped.   
  
"What was that?" Harry asked breathlessly. Draco smirked and wriggled his finger again, hitting his prostate. Harry moaned, his thoughts now obviously elsewhere as he didn't notice Draco didn't answer his question.   
  
"Are you ready?" Draco asked.   
  
"Yes," whimpered Harry.   
  
"You're sure?" He asked again, giving the boy a chance to back out.   
  
"Just fuck me already!" Harry almost shouted. Draco laughed outright at this, wriggled his fingers a bit more, stretching Harry out, and then finally removed his fingers. Harry whimpered again at the loss, but was soon silenced as Draco's cock, dripping slightly with the slick lube, pressed against his opening. Draco slowly pushed his considerable length into Harry, moaning as the other boy's warmth encased him. He started up his rocking motion again, his hips bucking slightly every time he pulled out or pushed in. Harry made hi feel whole, and he knew Harry was feeling the same thing.   
  
He reached his hand down and took Harry's own arousal into his delicate hands, moving his hands in time with the rest of his body. He speeded up their rhythm, making them both moan and shudder. Draco could feel that already Harry was close to coming, so he moved even faster, almost slamming into Harry and hitting his prostate every time. Harry cried out and came under the pressure of Draco's cock and hand. His whole body jerk, all his muscles tightening like they never had before. When his tight hole tightened too, it took Draco over the edge, and he came inside Harry. He rocked inside Harry for a few moments before sliding out of him and flopping down beside Harry. They looked at each other, both panting and with swollen lips. They leaned in together and kissed at the same time, a soft, loving kiss goodnight.   
  
Harry felt so . alive. He had never felt like this before   
  
**#**   
  
Magic... That's what they made that night. He hoped deep in his heart that Draco would never forget that night. He still remembered the look in Draco's eyes; it was peaceful, tender and loving.   
  
Harry couldn't have wished for more. He knew that life would go on after his dead. Draco would probably marry some girl, whether it was against his will or not. It didn't matter, as long as the Malfoy name didn't die. He would live his life just like his father, just as planned. No one would ever know about what they had. Draco would keep it as a secret, a secret well locked away in his heart. Draco would never mention it to anyone. The Potter-line would end and no one would ever know how much Harry loved Draco.   
  
It didn't matter, he knew he loved Draco and Draco knew. Although he wanted to let the world hear and see the pain he went through. The letter he wrote for Draco was in his pocket, that way he was sure Draco would get it somehow.   
  
He was going to die, but he knew his love would stay. The places he and Draco had made love, would be filled with his love for Draco forever. He had given Draco his heart and got Draco's heart in return.   
  
No, he would never see his children grow up. But it didn't matter, because it wouldn't have been Draco's children. If he stayed alive he would end up just like Draco, just like Lucius. Cold and bitter, because he had to give up on the one thing he loved. He had to fake his love to someone else everyday, or stay alone. Either way the loneliness would come back every single day. Everyday the thoughts of Draco would haunt him. Everyday the pain would be unbearable. Every day he would be reminded of what he lost.   
  
The idea of waiting for Draco in the place the dead people went to sounded better than waiting all his life, while knowing Draco couldn't come back to him. Not here.   
  
Why would he save the world from Voldemort if the world denied him the one thing he wished for? Even fate denied him that. Everybody seemed to be against him, only loving him because he was their only hope. They all said he was so special, but it was only out of selfishness. They liked the name Harry Potter, not the person. They didn't care about him, only about the fact that he was bound to save them all from Voldemort - every single one of them, except Draco.   
  
Harry wasn't scared of dying. When he looked back at his life, he realised he'd never lived... really lived before Draco showed him what love was. He never knew what love was, even though he was a Gryffindor. He just never knew. No one had been there to tell him. The closest thing to love he knew was the feeling that his mother loved him so much that she died for him. Ron and Hermione were his friends and of course he loved them. But that was nothing compared to the love he felt for Draco, it was a totally different love. A love you can't describe, only feel deep inside your heart. In which you can only surrender, struggle against it is pointless. He doubted if many people ever knew this kind of love in their lives, for the world wouldn't be as hateful and selfish as is was now.   
  
He did this, because he didn't want his love for Draco to die. He was afraid that if he lived a life without Draco, he would become a living dead mean, like he was before Draco, forgetting the feeling of love. He never wanted to forget, never.   
  
He wanted to be with Draco, even if it was in the same city or country for that matter. He knew it would kill him anyway. Why not die while he could still remember... while things weren't forgotten yet. 


End file.
